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It's A Good Life

No Child Left Behind at a crossroads

Written By: Ed - Feb• 14•13
Yesterday I was forwarded a depressing piece from a Washington Post article.  Having attended public and religiously affiliated schools myself, as well as friends who are teachers and in education, a wife who is Founder and President of a leading educational media company (Six Red Marbles), and two children that have been through public, private, and religiously affiliated schools I feel I understand it and have a good background to speak on the subject.  I dealt with public school as a parent prior to No Child Left Behind, had a child who went through it in NCLB’s early incantations, and now have another  child in school and have to take NCLB’s issues into account.
 Colorful Chalk at Chalkboard
I think its clear that many poor school systems have benefited from No Child Left Behind but the majority of schools have not.  We are sacrificing the better and best among us in order to raise the quality of the education those at the bottom receive.  We, America, are a charitable society and look out for the poor and those who need an assist to rise up the economic ladder.  And we are doing that in many areas, not just education. I’m all for helping those who need a hand but am not sure the best way it can be done is to help them at the expense of those at another level.  Maybe (hopefully?) in the end, it will be worthwhile and debates surely can be made either way.  With my daughter I saw a tremendous grade school with committed teachers turn out great kids (and she had NCLB from 3rd grade onward in her school career).  I also saw how the Middle School in our city would have done damage.  They geared everything toward the middle… they brought the bottom up and left the better students (of which my daughter was one) to basically fend for themselves.  Was it only NCLB?  No. Earlier, some teachers felt an obligation to take those that showed an ability and to encourage it and turn out the best students they could. In the large middle school however, it seemed that many teachers were overworked.  They seemed to feel they didn’t have to worry about the ‘better’ students or spend resources on them to bring them along.  It is why, frankly, we pulled her and moved her to a private school.  Buckingham, Brown & Nichols was academically rigorous and challenging and forced her to push herself instead of pushing her to the background.  I am thankful we had the ability to send her there as I am sure there are many gifted children facing the same issue that must make due in the school they are in.  Too many kids in too large a school with large class sizes appeared to lead to a “move them in, move them out” mentality as compared to BB&N’s philosophy of  ”Grade schools prep the student for middle school.  Middle school preps for high school.  High school preps you for college.”.  Teaching with the goal of passing a test instead of teaching the child how to think and love learning.

So what to do?  Can we achieve uniformity of education?  The final outcome of how good a school is seems to always go back to how involved and interested the parents are. It is, from my research, the number one factor.  Well paid systems attract teachers that want more money, but not always more dedicated or capable teachers. Smaller class sizes, resources, etc. are equally attractive but commitment and energy in both teachers, students, and parents is the key. In those school systems that have involved parents – be they low income or high income –  the children benefit from better schools (both public and private). Frequently (but not always) however, that speaks to communities where there are ‘stay at home parents’ in many homes and actively see what is happening in the school. For us, we made a family choice and sacrifices based on that. Many don’t have that option and obviously, communities with a lot of single parents or dual working parents just can’t put in the effort or aren’t around when school is in session. No Child Left Behind may try to ensure a certain amount of knowledge is imparted to the kids, but it can’t fix the problem of schools where parents are not, or cannot be, heavily involved. Since I don’t see any substitute for that involvement, I’m not sure there will ever be a way to legislate all schools being close to equal. For myself, personally, I’m glad we are in an area with so much parental involvement – be that in the public schools or private ones.

The article speaks a lot about Advanced Placement classes.  From what I have seen with BB&N and my daughter, the best things about the AP classes are that they are the toughest ones. She, and we, did not see them as a way to opt out of college classes.  Colleges did not, that I could tell, see the students who took them as those that could jump right in and immediately take second level classes.  Colleges like to see that you are stretching yourself and, in theory,  they would rather see a B in an AP class than an A in another, even Honors, class. Sure, some teachers taught ‘for the test’ in order to ensure that if you took an AP level class you would pass the AP exam.  Some, most notably her Chemistry professor, taught the class as a more challenging class but did not teach the class in order to pass the test.  Many students did not do well on it despite the school’s reputation for academic rigor.  My guess is that those students who did take AP classes did do better in their college classes, however.  While my own daughter took many AP classes, she did not use them to ‘opt out’ of courses in college and I think that was the correct thing to do. We hear about some of her pals that did skip the initial course so they could go directly to the second level, but many are struggling because of that decision.

In the final analysis, maybe the country has to decide if we are better off with a vast majority of students doing ‘fine’, or a wide variety of levels with some doing extremely well and others not so.  Its a tough choice.  I suppose we could try to reward ‘better’ students with better schools and teachers and also try to do the same with students who are more challenged from the start, but painting all kids and schools with No Child Left Behind’s broad brush will not accomplish that.

 

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Savoring time deserved, not wasted…

Written By: Ed - Feb• 12•13

Laissez

I love New Orleans.  LOVE NOLA’s Jazzfest.  And while I have never had the burning desire to attend Mardi Gras, the above video does make me wish I lived there long enough to join this group and participate.  Thinking about Mardi Gras, I admittedly dismissed it as ‘an excuse to drink beyond tolerance’.  Pretty much the reason I dislike New Years’ Eve and St. Patty’s Day, too.  I’m all for a few adult beverages, but not for people setting out to get smashed, obnoxious, and embarrass themselves (albeit with the ‘It was a holiday!” excuse).   I will admit, however, that what I like the most about New Orleans is the spirit embodied by many in the parades, none more so than the Laissez Boys.  The throwing off of convention, the desire (and ability) to have fun for fun’s sake… the putting aside of worries about appearance and what people will think.  Very appealing.  Sure some use it to drink too much, but that group likely has many in it that usually drink too much anyway.  The using Mardi Gras as an excuse for frivolity that normally one pushes aside in favor of predictability and steadfastness?  Very appealing.  And while I realize we cannot act like that all the time, tossing off the shackles once in a while would be a great thing for all of us.

Here is how they describe themselves:

“We are the Laissez Boys of New Orleans – the worlds first Social Aid and Leisure Club.   

We are men of industry who practice and teach the art of earned relaxation, the majesty of intemperance and the value of charitable servitude. 

Social Aide comes in the form of instruction to the general public in the art of leisure – the when, where and how of manly indulgence.  Social Aide also consists of entertainment, provided in abundance whenever the Laissez Boys roll.  Social Aide is manifest as well in generosity of spirit and means, giving back to the community with the very tools we use to work our leisurely magic.

Leisure lies in the making of something special, in the time spent with like minds in the dogged pursuit of those things required for leisure.  Leisure, after all, must be earned – this is the subtle but crucial distinction between leisure and laziness.  We can only truly savor time deserved, not time wasted.   Aristotle said, “We work to have leisure, on which happiness depends”.

Upon our debut at Mardi Gras 2013, the Laissez Boys will dress in sharp, gentlemanly attire and parade through the streets of New Orleans in our signature electro-powered recliners.

Watch us, as we take to the streets on the best day of the year, in the best city in the world with the best men we know, sipping the finest cocktails, and wearing the flat-out most deluxe clothing possible, 

Experience Carnival from the best seat in the house.”

Heck, I just applied (seriously) for membership while I wrote this. The more I read about them, the more I wish there were a local chapter.   Then again, the spirit required to join and participate is in short supply at times, and  (sadly) more so within the NorthEast.

Maybe we need a pick a holiday where the goal is to let go of inhibitions, free yourself of expectations and conventions, and aim to do so without getting plastered.  Do you think its possible?  I think the country would be a little better off if we all had a tad more New Orleans living inside us all.

 

Posted in Lifestyle, Society , | 3 Comments »

By Any Other Name …. (warning, gruesome and graphic pictures included!)

Written By: Ed - Jan• 24•13

Pitt bulls.  American Staffordshire Terrier.  Staffordshire Bull Terrier.  Whatever.

Pitt Bull

I live just outside Boston, MA and the mayor there (Mayor Thomas Menino) has called, once again, for a ban / crackdown on the breed.  I heard today that he signed a bill to require Pit Bulls to be muzzled when in public, and it has created a bit of a furor with those who do not agree with breed specific laws.

Why?

I agree that it has connotations of racism, treating some differently than others… BUT THEY ARE PETS AND DOGS AND ANIMALS BRED TO BE DIFFERENT.  They are not people who should all be treated equally with the same rights.  THEY ARE, BY THEIR VERY NATURE, DIFFERENT physically and in temperament.  Are we really so PC that we have to deny that now?

It isn’t a question of Pitt Bulls being the only breed that barks or bites. Nor are Pitts the breed that bites the most. But Pitts, as a breed, do bite more than others, are less predictable than other breeds, and inflict FAR worse damage. Poodles my bark and bite more, but they usually bite and release and the bites are not typically dangerous.

Dog Bite

Pitts bite, lock their jaws, shake, tear, and tug. They zone out, disregard personal pain, and don’t give up until broken from their ‘trance’… they inflict horrific and many times life threatening wounds.

Pit Bull Bite

I don’t even blame the breed as that is what they were bred to do.  It is in their nature.  I had a friend that spent almost ten years working with a local Pitt rescue and finally gave up as the dogs were too far damaged or were uncontrollable and unpredictable even when initially well cared for so could not be safely placed in a home. I have close friends that love the breed and are great owners, knows the breed’s quirks and tendencies, and deal with it. They have a great dog but even they have had to pull back from dog play groups, saw unpredictably aggressive behavior near a school and can’t bring the dog to pick up their kids, etc.

All breeds are descendants of initially wild dogs and have bred for certain traits. Dogs to work in the field, protect a home, ferret out vermin, retrieve birds in hunting, etc. Physical traits have been bred out or in to help, but also behavioral tendencies such as the tenacity of breeds used to hunt or the stubbornness of bulldogs. While the individual dog may have more or less of a tendency compared to others in the breed, those breeds will always have certain traits comparatively to other breeds. If you take generations of time to breed a dog that us good with family, learns quickly, and is obedient, you end up with Retrievers. If you breed one that is large, unfettered by weather, is mellow, and lives to be challenged with work then you get a Burmese Mountain dog. If you breed one to be aggressive, athletic, quick tempered, lock jawed, protective, and pain tolerant then you get a Pit.

Pitt, Agressive

Do some Retrievers snap or bite? Yup. Do some Pits make good pets with the right owners? Yup. But you are always going against what generations have bred in and bred out.

No one questions it if someone says that bulldogs are typically lazy and stubborn. Or that poodles are smart but often high strung. We acknowledge breed tendencies and generalities. So why are we denying that some breeds bred to fight and inflict damage need to be treated differently as they are prone to be aggressive and can inflict terrible damage?

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She Said, He Said and the QB’s Girlfriend

Written By: Ed - Jan• 09•13

I saw a ‘story’ this morning about how ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comments during the National College Championship game the other night.  Having watched the game, I couldn’t remember anything controversial and wondered what I missed. As it turns out, nothing.

In a blowout game where little was new or fresh or unpredictable on the field, he made the (horror of horrors!) mistake of saying a QB’s beauty pageant winner girlfriend was… beautiful.  He joked that boys should start throwing a ball around because ‘quarterbacks get the pretty girls”.  ”Amazing,” I thought, “It must be a slow news week that anyone is trying to make a story out of this.”  Especially because, as it turns out, she was not insulted at all.   She took it as the compliment it was meant to be. He was not rude.  He did not call her ‘hot’, or ‘sexy’.  Nothing sexual at all.  He simply made, in this day and age, the ‘mistake’ of calling a beautiful young woman who won beauty contests a beautiful woman.

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Someone who’s opinions I respect greatly disagrees.  I hadn’t even thought of writing a blog post on this issue until I read her comments on her blog and was, frankly, amazed.  I still can’t believe anyone I know thinks this is an issue.  Anyway, read her post here. She is bright, funny, well written, and we agree quite a bit.  Not this time though ;-)

This was my response to her post:  ”…I don’t even get this story. They didn’t make fun of her. They weren’t rude. They briefly (albeit excitedly) spoke of how attractive she was. That is wrong now? She is Miss Alabama and can’t be called attractive without a formal apology statement from the network and the commentator getting in trouble? It says a lot about our culture that a very attractive woman is called out as being attractive? One who has been in, and won, beauty pageants? I think it says a lot about our culture that this is a story or that anyone is upset a man called an attractive woman attractive. You even called her gorgeous. He didn’t call her hot or sexy or anything rude. I think it’s a shame that even an obvious compliment is now reason for someone to take offense. Heck, even she was flattered and thinks its nonsense. You made a comparison about a woman reporter talking about Tom Brady’s looks. They do all the time! And they talk about how he dated and married a model. No one made a federal case out of that though. In this case, the commentator / reporter wasn’t discussing her career and got sidetracked by her looks. She was not the story. He was discussing the quarterback and how he got such an attractive (beauty queen) girlfriend. You say its a shame he couldn’t see past that… why? All he did was see her. He wasn’t interviewing her or talking about her life. Why is it bad to say a pretty woman is pretty? Since when is that insulting?

You can’t possibly think that her looks and his soon-to-be-pro-quarterback-position and current ‘job’ as quarterback of the number one team in the nation aren’t factors. Do you think if she were plain he would have asked her out? Do you think she goes out with the computer nerds? I’m not saying they both aren’t wonderful people, but those factors clearly were in play and attractions. None of which has anything to do with a sports commentator pointing out how beautiful she was. He didn’t say that was why the QB was dating her. He simply gushed over her and did so respectfully. …”

Actresses are called out for being attractive all the time.  Kate Middleton is, frequently.  On the flip side, Tom Brady (the Patriots’ QB) is gushed over by women.  All accepted (as they should be).  What is different here?  This was not a case of her accomplishments being ignored to speak of how pretty she is.  She was sitting in the stands and a comment was made that  she was attractive, the implied joke being that he was lucky to have her and wouldn’t if he were not such a great quarterback.

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While I’m sure that her looks and his talent are into why they are staying together, is it wrong if that is what initially made each other take notice?  Really?  Are we, as a society, going to try to pretend that looks don’t matter at all any more?  Musburger did not say she was ‘only a pretty face’ or anything like that.  He complimented her.  Lighten up, people.

—–

Note: In writing this and filling in the links, I noticed that her parent’s think Musburger should be cut some slack and didn’t think it was insulting, either.

Posted in Society , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Be humane, as well as a human

Written By: Ed - Jan• 08•13

Few, more than I, realize the evil that men can act out.  I’ve studied world history and know of man’s inhumanity toward one another throughout the past.  Whether for land expansion, the need (or desire) for resource acquisition, the love of power, or base desire of greed there are usually clear cut motives.  Especially when seen with 20/20 hindsight. I grew up in a poor city and saw bullies and desperate people firsthand.  I stood in the oil terminal that I ran (directly across from Boston’s Logan Airport)  and watched the television as planes were used to murder over three thousand men, women, and children.  And as evil as they were, I knew they were religious zealots with a cause.  I’m a fan of true crime books and know there are psychopaths and predators in this world that have done unspeakable things to others with no pangs of guilt at all.  I understand there are those in the world who have little conscious and can rationalize any action. Yet I am constantly surprised when I see it up close and personal… people who look normal and probably have relatively normal lives yet are just two legged versions of the animals we put in cages.

Some people don’t deserve the title ‘human’.

Today, while driving my wife in to work, I was stopped at a red light in Sullivan Square on the edge of Charlestown. Whenever there, a man limps by hoping for change from the drivers stopped in traffic.  Clean, well mannered, he walks with a cane and a limp and carries a ‘Please help if you can… Homeless Vet’ sign.  I do not know him and have no reason to doubt the sign other than my own cynicism.  I rarely give money and don’t believe I ever have to this man, despite seeing him walk by each time I come through the area on the way to my wife’s office.  Despite his being there on the coldest days and in the rain or snow, I have become a little immune to all the men and women I pass when traveling that are looking for ‘handouts’ and help.  Sure enough, he was there this morning.  Just after he walked past my car, we heard a woman’s voice screaming epithets, cursing and swearing in a vicious rage. I looked over just as th light changed and cars started to move and there was the man, limping away from a silver car that had both windows open.  A woman, rough looking and probably younger than she appeared, was berating the guy.  ”You f—ing disgust me!  Asking for money from people!  F—ing disgusting low life!  Get a job you piece of s–t!… ”  On it went while the cars all moved forward and they drove off, her male companion shouting things out his window as well that I could not hear.  My wife and I were disgusted by what we just saw… as bad as it would have been if they were laughing, thinking it was funny to pick on a defenseless man, these two losers were screaming viciously.  They looked like they could / would kill the guy…  And why?  Because he had a sign asking for change?  They had clearly lost it and were doing their best to make this guy, obviously in need of help, feel as low as possible.

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I wondered, did it make them feel better about their own miserable lives?  Did they think they could berate him into a realization he should / could make a change, get a job, become a taxpayer?  Did they feel tough by screaming at a handicapped homeless person, vet or not?   How little did they have in their own lives to make them such soulless people?  What other miseries are they spreading to those who unfortunately have to live near them?  And then I thought of the homeless man. Maybe he isn’t even homeless.  Maybe he lives in a shelter, or even has an apartment but no job and is forced to beg to pay bills. Maybe he will spend what he gets to buy food, or maybe he’ll spend it to feed a substance abuse habit.  Who knows and I don’t walk in his shoes, nor did I walk in them as he became who is is.  A friend once asked why I gave a homeless man a few bucks once, “You know he’s just going to buy booze with it later, right?”  ”So was I,” I replied, “and he needs it more.”  No matter. I can’t ‘fix’ him or straighten out what is wrong. But what would the rest of his day be like having met those two?  What would be going through his mind each time he walked up the line of cars? Each time a window rolled down and he had no clue whether it would be a compassionate hand offering some change or a hate filled piece of trash trying to make themselves feel better by kicking a guy already down on his luck?

I dropped my wife off and drove back.  I parked and walked over to him as he looked at me with suspicion and offered him the five bucks I had in my pocket.  I apologized for the whole human race and told him, frankly, I didn’t know what his situation was or how he got where he was but that NO ONE deserved to be spoken to that way and I was sorry anyone had done that to him.  He looked a tad confused as I don’t think he understood why I would come back 10 minutes after it had happened  but was clearly appreciative.  The five spot and my apology for them won’t change anything.  He’ll still wonder what will happen each time a window rolls down and still will wake up tomorrow with no job and a need to get money to buy food.  Selfishly, it probably actually did more for me than him, and I know that. I doubt I’ll start giving him money each time I pass but I’ll never look at him, or other homeless men and women, the same again.

I’m not writing this because I think you all should give.  There are serious arguments that it enables and may make things worse.  I’ll have to continue deciding on a case by case basis what I’ll do each time I see someone asking for change. But pass on by or stop and make a donation, there is never a reason to make anyone not harming you feel worse. It is never okay to take your own day out on another person just because you can.  He may have issues that will prevent him from having a ‘normal’ life, be they real, imagined, physical, or emotional.  But I wish him well and as bad as I feel for him, I feel worse for the family and neighbors of the two animals that drove through Sullivan Square this morning.

 

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Something I wrote 5 years ago, at 46

Written By: Ed - Jan• 04•13

Clearing out old documents and files, I came across this bit…   I started to toss it, but then thought better of that and figured I’d post it here.  I wrote it 5 years ago, when I was 46, and most are things I try to impress upon my now nineteen year old, lol.

Anyway:

At 46, I am pretty happy with where I am.  Happy enough that if I had to live my life over, I don’t think I would change anything to be in a different place.  Could it be better? Sure. It always can, right?  But it could be worse – a lot worse.  There are things I have now that I would never change or sacrifice.

Does that mean there has been no pain? Hardly.

No trials or tribulations? Absolutely not.

I do think that you learn from mistakes (even when you don’t realize it). If you don’t get overwhelmed and dwell on mistakes and failures then they ultimately make you a better person.  We all know people who either couldn’t pick themselves up or could not move on after a failure, right?  That is a shame.  Please don’t take this as my being a Polly Anna or having rose colored glasses. There were tough situations in my life that I wouldn’t change because they either provided me with something in my life I wouldn’t give up now, or put me in a better place as a person.  Case in point:   seven years ago I was single again after a long and nasty divorce. Friends thought I would never marry again because of the pain and anguish. Heck, I thought I would never again be able to trust enough to marry again. It hurt my family, my finances, and my attitude for a while.  To this day I am more suspicious, less sure of anything that is supposed to be ‘definite’, and less trusting than I once was.  Seems like I would change if I could, right?  Absolutely not.

That marriage  provided me with the best daughter there is – bar none. It put me in a place, at 40,  where I was ready to begin another relationship and marry my current wife.  That experience allowed me to have a son who would not have been born had I not divorced. So if I had it all to do over, I would do it all the same to get to where I am now.  Sure, I was far more selective the second time around and didn’t overlook things, rationalize away problems, or make things work and was far more cognizant of issues that probably should have been signs of inevitable failure and incompatibilities. But I’m glad I did what I did, learned from it, and would do it all again to have what I have now.

That being said, there are things I have learned that hopefully enable me to make better choices now, things that would have helped me avoid some mistakes I have made.  These are the same things that I find myself telling my 14 year old (that I wish she would pay more attention to).  They are the things I will be telling my 3 year old son in the years to come. I am sure some are the same things my parents told me, too.  Things that I thought I understood but either didn’t really listen to or didn’t really grasp as well as I thought I did.  Knowing that, I thought I would write those all down and combine them with things I learned along the way.

Well, here they are in no particular order:

* Try and keep a reasonable perspective on things. Do you have to work too much or study too hard some times?  Sure. Do you have to sacrifice things that others around you aren’t/don’t?  Sure.  Will there be times that some things - major things - change your life (and not always for the better)? Yes. But time moves forward, life goes on, and you will rebound if you want to.  Want to.  None of it will matter how happy you are in five years.

*  Things won’t make you happy.  People won’t make you happy. Events won’t make you happy.  Only you can make yourself happy.  Look, I always want ‘more’ and am rarely satisfied. But I am happy where I am.  Would I like a bigger house? Sure. I would be happy in a smaller house though.

* Have a budget. You hear all the stories about how a storm, or fire, or business closing ruined someone financially. Realistically?  I find that you are in more trouble from getting into credit debt than anything else. You live over your head and then can’t catch up.  For example, if you make $40,000 a year and spend it all plus charge another $5000, you lived on $45,000, right?  Even if you don’t get used to living that way (and most do) you conceivably have to live the next year on $35,000 (a $10,000 difference in lifestyle) to catch up and break even.  That’s like taking a paycut of 20%. If you can’t live on what you make, how are you going to take a 20% paycut ext year? Learn to live on your pay.  Think of credit cards as portable cash, or for unexpected events like a car repair.  Credit cards are not to finance vacations you cannot save for, or to buy expensive clothing with. On-line shopping, ATMs, impulse purchases, keeping up with the Joneses, dining out too much… all can drain your money faster than you realize.  Have an overall budget, check it occasionally, and pull back if you find that you are going over.  Have a aavings account you will not touch. Do not use it even for emergencies if you can save or use other money you have. Also have a separate savings account to save up for big items you want to buy.  Every time you think twice about a credit card purchase, save it instead. You realize may that you actually don’t really want it.   You’ll see how you can get there by saving. If you still want to but the item later, you have the money to buy it. Think about each purchase. Stay away from purchases when you feel down and need a ‘pick me up’.

* Stay in shape and stay active. Do not take being in good shape for granted. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was extremely active and in great shape. Better than most, probably. I took martial arts, ran, biked to work, worked out at a gym once or twice a day, etc.  Then I got married… I put myself into my career… I had a child… I went through a draining divorce… Life moved on and there weren’t enough hours in a day to do all I needed to do.  Working out and staying in shape was something that didn’t have to be done that day. There was no immediate repercussion from not hitting the gym or riding a bike. I still 40 in better shape than a lot of my peers, but I hadn’t worked out in years. I started working out a bit more after the divorce and found out I was still pretty flexible and still pretty strong.  I knew I could lose a few pounds but I thought that was about all I had to worry about.  I did not realize that age does catch up with you.  Yes, even you, lol. Again in a new relationship, getting married, having another child… any thoughts of working out were pushed to ‘later’.  At 45, my doctor was still ‘impressed’ enough with my blood tests, etc. that he told me “If you are in this shape at 45 there is no reason you can’t be in this shape at sixty’.  Almost immediately after that I started getting plantar fasciitis. I suffered through the pain rather than address it. It worsened with scar tissue and it became impossible to walk pain free. I found out it was usually due to tightness in the legs (something I never had as I always had been flexible from all the stretching I did in my twenties).  I was actually surprised to find that I couldn’t even touch my toes!  By about six inches!  The limp threw something off in my back and now I have been dealing with back pain, too. Something I had never had before.  Being much less active now, because of the leg and back, I have put a few pounds on instead of taking them off as I had hoped I would be doing.  Lesson learned: get in shape and stay in shape. It’s easier than trying to get back into shape!

*Eat healthy foods Let  me say simply: white sugar and white flour are bad for you.  High fructose corn syrup is terrible for you. Partially hydrogenated fats are terrible for you.  Think about it. If businesses chemically change something so it won’t break down in nature, does it sound like a good thing to put it in your body? I am not a vegetarian or only eat all natural foods.  I eat an occasional fast food hamburger when on the road in a rush, and have a sweet tooth. But I eat fast foods as little as possible and eat dessert less than I would like.  I don’t drink soda anymore. It is probably why I only have a few pounds to lose at 46 when some of my peers have many more, or high blood pressure, etc.  There is a reason why diabetes and obesity is rising in America along with the use of high fructose corn syrup.  White foods are typically bleached (from sugar to flour to tuna) and rarely occur in nature. Bleach in your food doesn’t sound good, does it?  Know why?  It isn’t.  It robs the foods of the nutrients… you get taste and ‘filler’ but your body still needs the sustenance.  You eat more to get the same benefit. Then you wonder why you gain weight, right?  ;-)

* Don’t smoke. That brings up another vice: smoking.  I never was a cigarette smoker as I saw my dad battle with it, ultimately leading to the heart attack that claimed his life.  He was only fifty years old. No cancer, ‘just’ a heart attack. I understand the appeal to some extent. I do like an occasional cigar and like the taste. I like having the ‘prop’ when I am socializing. I like the ritual of a cigar, and how smoking is an activity that forces you to slow down and chill a bit.  But only a few things can happen when you start cigarettes: 1) you don’t like it and then quit, or, 2) you like it and then you have to quit anyway, or, 3) you like it and then can’t / don’t quit.  None of those are good options, are they?  As it is a guarantee that it is bad for your lungs and heart, which of those options is a good one?  Don’t start and you won’t have to deal with any of them.  You will be glad you avoided it by your late twenties, guaranteed.

* Drugs. Same advice as cigarettes.  You will either not like them or like them, right?  If you don’t like them, you’ll wish you hadn’t used them. If you like them you will spend money on them that could have gone to something else, risk embarrassment for yourself (and your family) in taking them, be breaking the law while you buy and use them (risking a permanent record and total change of career and life), and possibly be hooked.  Even if you like the temporary feeling, none of those worth it?  Either way you will regret using them. So don’t start. That way you don’t have to quit. Even if they ‘should’ be legal, they aren’t.

* Do learn about compound Interest.  Learn the basics of compounding interest and start putting money aside for retirement when you are just starting out. Sure it seems so far off, but you will get there eventually and be glad you planned for it. What if someone told you that when you retire they would give you $75 dollars for every dollar you put aside when you were twenty years old?  You would find some cash, right? If you found out that instead of that $20,000 car you bought that would be worth almost nothing in five years, you put the same $20,000 away in a bank you would have $1,500,000?  It is highly unlikely you will ever save a million and a half dollars while in your forties and fifties.  But if you start early enough, you can… and that is the point.  That little bit of interest you get each year is like a little snow on a snowball rolling down a mountain. Look at it as the principle of ‘she told two friends, and they told two friends, and they told two friends…” . The earlier you start, the more you have – BY FAR.  At the end, each extra year is ENORMOUS.  After a while the money you put in is considerably dwarfed by the interest… and that continues to expand exponentially. After thirty five or forty years (aprox.), the money grows at an enormous pace. But it needs those years. If you are planning to retire at 65, you have to start putting money away in your early twenties. Sure, it never hurts to put money away (well, it always hurts a bit) and if you can’t start when you are 20 don’t say ‘forget it’.  But $20,000 put away every year when you are in your forties and fifties won’t amount to as much as if you put $5000 or $10,000 a year away starting at 20.  I did not do this.  I am now scrambling to save for when I retire, not wanting to take a substantial hit to our cost of living. I know friends who will retire – comfortably – on small investments they sacrificed for in their twenties.

* Do without a car as long as you can. Silly, huh? Doesn’t everyone want a car at sixteen, the urge to hit the open road?  Sure. I did.  I was also the one who ended up driving friends all over or providing a car to those that didn’t have cars.  I felt bad for them then. Looking back, they were the smart ones. I was working two jobs each vacation and summer to afford it while many of them traveled and hung out at the beach.  I worked during the school year while they had time to study or relax.  The smart ones who had cars when they were in school didn’t spend much money on them and spent more on school and studying less time working to pay for a car. I see it now, even if I couldn’t then. It just isn’t worth it.  Definitely go your first year of college without one.  You’ll see more and experience more of campus life without one, too.

* When you are young, buy a car with easy upkeep and inexpensive replacement parts. Speaking of cars, when its time to get a car, don’t buy  for their color, style, or audio.  It goes without saying – or should – but get one that won’t cost a lot of money to upkeep because you get sucked in by a nice paint job!  I spent a lot of money in my late teens and in college trying to make an older used car be something special… money it was not easy for me to get when I was seventeen or twenty and a student.  That does not mean you have to buy the ‘ugly brown station wagon with low miles’, or that you should buy a new mini car. It means you should look for something you like, but only buy if it will run relatively repair free.  If not, move on and set your sights a bit lower on the model.

* Everyone needs time alone at times. Enjoy it. Recharge your batteries and don’t feel guilty about it.

* Make your friends your family and your family your friends.  I cannot overstate the importance of this one.

* Realize what is important. It isn’t the person who dies with the most toys that wins, as we have all seen on bumper stickers and the shirts.  It’s the guy who dies with the most true friends.  Gather them around you, celebrate and enjoy them. You may think that not getting together with friends in order to work late would be a good thing because you’ll be able to buy that television you always wanted.  But while I see many people cry when a friend dies, I have yet to see someone tear up when a television breaks. When invited out, go. Even if you are tired.  Even if you had planned to go food shopping or run errands.  Fit that stuff in when you can, not at the expense of socializing with your friends.

* Work hard.  Enjoy your family, friends, and life. That being said, don’t use that as an excuse not to work hard.  Hard work is good for you, gives you a sense of accomplishment, and leads to good things in life.  Relish and enjoy it.

* And that leads to: Do What You Like, Like What You Do.  Study hard when young and work hard at school so that you will be able to do something you like for a profession.  You will spend too many hours doing it to hate it.  The extra hour a day studying will be well worth it.  You don’t want to have to spend eight hours a day doing something you don’t like (for the rest of your life!) because you can’t get the job you really want, right?  You do not want to spend the next fifty years working for people not as bright as you because they worked and studied a bit harder than you did.  You will regret that you didn’t get better grades because you socialized too much.  Study hard now and be in a position to do what you enjoy for the rest of your life.

* Never pick on people and standing idly by while others pick on them is no different.  More people have things done to them unjustly because everyone stays quiet, not because there are so many people who are terrible.  Don’t be a sheep.  Don’t be too afraid someone won’t like you if you stand up for someone. Even when others don’t join in, they all will respect you.  And you will respect yourself – then and in the future – when you look back at it.  You will never look back and feel proud of yourself for the times you made people feel bad.

* Live life, don’t watch it. Read. Travel. Experience. Take a course. Learn something. Be active.  Don’t sit and watch someone on television have a life, or sit and play video games pretending that you are doing something.

* Treasure your time with those you love. I lost my dad when he was seemingly healthy.  Suddenly and while he was on vacation.  You don’t get a warning.  Sometimes things just change – suddenly – and you lose someone. A heart attack, an accident, whatever. Do not take the time with them for granted. Make sure your friends and family know how you feel about them, and never put yourself in a position where you will live with regrets if someone suddenly passed away.

* When you have kids, enjoy them. Sure, discipline them, yell at them when you have to, too, etc. but continue to enjoy them. I have loved every moment of my time with my fourteen year old and am in a small panic that she will be off to college and then off to life in just four years.  It seems like only yesterday that she was ten, and in that same span our conversations (minimal as they can be now at fourteen) will no longer be a daily part of my life. She is doing what she should be doing, pulling away, so she can live one day on her own. I realize that in my head but my heart will miss her not being in my house every day from when she leaves to when I die. Enjoy it all now, as much as possible.  As crazy as it is in this house with a three year old boy, as overwhelming as it can get, I am trying to enjoy it all.

* Your first obligation when you decide to have kids is them. Do not have them until you can do that. You are no longer first in your own life. Your spouse will not put you first in theirs. Until you are ready to sacrifice and put them first, don’t have them.  Once you do? Be their parent first and pal second.  Too many people try to be their kid’s buddy and then find it difficult to be a parent. Love them and they will love you, even when they don’t like you.

* Take pictures and write things down. You know how you take pictures and think you’ll put them in an album ‘later’?  Or don’t write something down because you know you’ll remember?  How could you forget, right?  Trust me on this. Write them down and put the pictures in the album (on-line is fine for both) as you will forget.  And you will forget more as you get older. And you will forget things you don’t even realize you forgot, and don’t miss – until someone reminds you of something and you wish you remembered it better. I’d tell you of all the important things my dad told me or things I learned from my kids and give specifics, but I forgot them.

* No one wants to hear your complaints.  Sorry to tell you, but while your spouse and parents are totally sympathetic to your issues, even they don’t really look forward to hearing your complaints.  And no one else remotely does.  Ask for help when you need it, by all means.  Get something of your chest – quickly – if you have to. But don’t be a Drama Queen or King and don’t think your problems are more important than anyone else’s.  We all have them, right?  How miserable would we be if we all whined about them to everyone that would listen. As a friend is fond of saying, “Put on your Big Boy pants and move on.”  IF its something you dislike, fix it and / or make sure it is something that doesn’t keep happening.  Make the changes you need to. But don’t just complain and whine about the same things over and over.  It drains you of energy and bores everyone around you.  Don’t complain, fix the problem or move on if you can’t.

* Keep learning.  Even if you don’t like school and can’t wait to get out, find a way to learn something. Cooking. How to play basketball better.  New computer programs. Music. SOMETHING. And teach others. Learning keeps your mind growing and fresh and teaching others really makes your mind work on it by thinking about it, talking about it, seeing what they are doing, and listening to them all at once.  It really exercises your brain.

* No good ever comes from having ‘one last drink’.  And rarely are any memories made while ‘doing shots’ the memories you look back fondly on. It usually makes you the example in stories you don’t want to be in.  You know all the stories you’ve heard about ‘that guy’ that did something foolish?  Or ‘that gal’ that did something really, really stupid?  Don’t be ‘that guy’ or ‘that gal’.  While on that subject, and I have no scientific evidence to prove this, different liquors will affect you differently.  I realize there is the same amount of alcohol in one beer than there is in a glass of wine than there is in a shot.  And sure, you are more likely to drink more if you are doing shots than drinking wine.  But that doesn’t explain why a shot of vodka makes you feel one way, and a shot of tequila or Jack Daniels another.  Know what you can drink, know what your limits are, and keep an eye on your friends who have shown they don’t know theirs.  That goes for when you are twenty one or forty five.

* Don’t give in to peer pressure. Apply it.

* Everyone makes mistakes. You will make the most when you are in your teens and early twenties as you have little life experience.  Don’t make mistakes that carry forward though.  If you dent your car, you will pay a penalty. If you hurt someone else, you will be changed forever.  If you get drunk and sick, you will be embarrassed and feel terrible. If you get arrested for drugs, you will lose jobs for the rest of your life.  Think before you do something. Not just if it can go bad. Not just what would happen. Think also about how it will affect you for the rest of your life if it goes bad.

* Jump in and do things NOW.  You know all those things you want to do but won’t be finished for five years?  Start them as soon as you can. Sure, you’ll start taking guitar lessons or karate classes thinking “This will take me five years before I’m any good!”.  Absolutely you’ll start learning a language thinking “It’ll be years before this is usable!”  But in five years you can either have those skills or still not have them. Your choice.

Lastly, take all advice with a grain of salt and a dose of suspicion.  ;-)

Posted in Being A Dad, Family , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Go explore.

Written By: Ed - Jan• 04•13

There was a post I read today from a parent to her son as he received, at thirteen years old, a new iPhone.  A contract he needed to agree to in order to get its use (see the full article here).  One of the points, while not the most important or crucial, struck home and is something I wish I had been able to say to my own daughter as succinctly as this mom put it :  ”Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons.”   Not a major issue or one of the contract points that is attempting to keep him out of trouble, but great advice, particularly the part about “Your generation has access to music like never before in history…. Expand your horizons”.  The access to music we now enjoy is staggering. Truly amazing, especially to a generation that had to wait for an album to be released, the store to get it, and then walk / drive to that store and purchase it, bring it back and play on the stereo, possibly bringing friends over to hear it as well.  Now? A new ‘album’ is released by a band and is almost immediately available for download right onto your iPhone or MP3 player and shared almost as instantaneously.

It isn’t just that immediate acess though, but the catalogs of  songs that a person can download.  I remember heading to major stores to get the newest releases from bands, but I had to head in to Harvard Sq. in Cambridge to find certain jazz albums, or small record shops in Boston or Brighton to find local bands, blues, or older material… the big name stores just couldn’t keep all that available all the time.  Now?  between iTunes, Amazon, or (my favorite) Emusic , you have access to tens of thousands of songs and artists at your fingertips, and can be listening to them in seconds.

And this parent, Janell Burley Hofmann, brings up a great point: Rather than just use that access and freedom to get what you want quickly and save time, use it to explore.  Broaden your horizons. See which artists influenced the ones you like and listen to them.  See who they influenced, or other artists you never heard of that are in the same genre.  See where it takes you. Sure, you can just get what all your friends are listening to and get it quickly, and wait for others to decide what is good and follow them.  Why do that though?  Go and search.  Find what you like instead of being told what to like.  Learn about yourself and influence others instead of joining the masses as you are sold a bill of goods and told what to listen to.  Yes, sometimes the popular artists are selling those millions of CDs because they are better at what they do than others.  Often times however, they simply have better marketing, or have enough broad appeal that a company can make a lot of money and therefore pushes them harder.  Companies like Clear Channel buy not only concert venues and artist’s contracts but the radio stations themselves… They play their artists heavily on their stations so the public is familiar with the tunes, then brings the artist on tour. The artist and their hits are completely manufactured…. Rather than make it big because millions want to hear their music, it happens in reverse: millions hear their music so they make it big.

So, again, go explore.  Find the great music and great artists that YOU like instead of just downloading the ones you are told you should like.

Posted in Music , , | 3 Comments »

The slow-w-w-w-w spiral down of the New Year’s ball

Written By: Ed - Dec• 31•12

Well, its New Year’s Eve.  It’s not a holiday that I’ve celebrated for many years… When I was young, it was an excuse to stay up late.  Then, in college, it was an excuse to have a party (as if college kids need one, lol).  Then, out and working and getting married and buying homes and starting families, we all took turns hosting New Year’s Eve parties.  Celebrating the last year, ringing in the new one, spending time with close friends marking important passages and beginnings…

We lived well, families grew, and kids started to grow up.  The dangers of drunk drivers weighed heavily as well, and although I was not going to get drunk and drive I was more and more cognizant of the fact I would be on the road with those who were going to. My friends and I went out, often. New Year’s started to seem like an excuse to drink instead of a reason to celebrate.  Too many were overindulging, going out with the express purpose to get drunk.  Not to have fun, or party, but to get knee walking drunk. Amateurs on Amateur Night. It was losing a lot of its ‘charm’ and it was more important to me to be with my kids that night than out celebrating with people who just wanted to have an excuse to get drunk.  I started staying home; I’d put my daughter to sleep and then wait up to see the ball in Time’s Square drop…

… after a while though,  it seemed like an obligation. Something we all celebrated because we ‘should’ celebrate it.  I had long since thought the TV shows were pretty lame, and while we occasionally had friends over to celebrate it with us, more and more often it was a quiet night literally and figuratively just watching the clock.

It clearly is not ‘my’ holiday.

Don’t get me wrong.  Although I get up early, I am not one to go to bed early. I enjoy going out and staying up and having a party or attending a party.. but New Year’s seems very contrived and forced.  Sure, it is a real holiday – maybe more so than many others – and I’m sure that although many share similar sentiments, it is my issue.  Maybe once my kids are all grown and out celebrating with their friends I’ll start having a New Year’s Party again, lol.  Until then, I like what I did this year:  My wife and I went out LAST night.  We checked in to a hotel, watched a movie, talked, and reconnected. We went out to eat and dined at a nice restaurant in downtown Boston and were the only ones there.  We went back to the hotel lounge, had a couple cocktails and went back to our room.  Tonight, I’ll keep my fingers crossed my own daughter (who will likely be celebrating with her friends) remains safe while I say good night to my younger child, and then will turn in.

Maybe I’ll even stay up to midnight.

 

Posted in Society , , , , | 2 Comments »

It’s Not Rocket Science, People

Written By: Ed - Dec• 22•12

The unbalanced killers that attack schools are striking at society, not children.  The children are their way of hurting us the most and taking away innocence and causing the most pain. One of the reasons some of the killers pick school zones is they know guns are not allowed there and they have the highest chance to hurt innocent people. I have heard arguments for putting security details (ex military, retired police or servicemen) at schools the same way we have crossing guards in order to get the children there safely.  I’m not totally against armed security, but I hate to think we are at the point where kids need to have a security force to be safe 24/7. I suppose knowing an armed security detail was there might stop someone if they were thinking rationally, but likely it would just be the first person hit in the initial wave of violence.  It seems that it would be a false sense of security, and might make things worse by having a shootout mentality.  Personally?  I think we are still putting the cart before the horse with some of us thinking we should change the Constitution and hoping that gun laws will keep guns out of the hands of people willing to mow down classrooms. Those willing to kill people won’t care or listen to any gun law and will find ways of creating damage. It is, I believe, naive to think they will obey any law if they are going to commit murder.  Sure, the gun laws sound simple and they seem rational, right? “Get rid of guns and the crimes committed with them will stop” … 1+1=2, no?  But it doesn’t work that way. It’s an emotional desire for quick action without truly understanding what is happening.  A rational solution to irrational people committing irrational acts.

Spree killers and mass murderers are going to commit a crime and guns are one of many available tools. Getting rid of that tool (even if you could) won’t stop a committed criminal from doing what he sets out to do. The largest loss of life in a school attack was with a bomb and happened 100 years ago.  Tim McVeigh and Oklahoma showed us that lunatics with a cause will look for the way to make the most violent statement. They used fertilizer, kerosene, etc. and got plans off the internet.  While we won’t sleep easier at night accepting this, we need to: we cannot easily legislate away violence. Period.

We need to target who shouldn’t have guns, which households should not have guns in them, and get mental health help for those who need it.  We need to segregate dangerous individuals from the rest of society, especially kids. Doing anything short of that is just blowing smoke.  As long as we want to be PC and not label people and not commit people to state hospitals until they are guilty of something, then we will keep having people spiral out of control until they commit crimes.

It’s not rocket science.

Continuing to allow dangerous individuals to remain free without getting the help they need in the hopes they will not become violent is not a solution. Being worried about their rights to not medicate puts everyone else at risk. Dangerous individuals (emotional and mental imbalance) should, in my opinion, have two options: medication to keep them from being dangerous or removal from society if they do not want to take it.  Regular check ups and monitoring.

We either allow people to spiral out of control while we watch, unable to do anything until they do something dangerous and we can act or we decide safety is a priority and we, as a society, attempt to stop them before they do (for both our sakes).  Those are the options.

 

Posted in Society , , , | 8 Comments »

A Hard Decision…

Written By: Ed - Dec• 18•12

A friend sent me an article today, one posted in the Huffington Post by a mother who has a child that is dangerous to himself and others.  Entitled “I Am Adam Lana’s Mother” it is a firsthand account of what it is like to try raise a child who is dangerous.

Some found it heartbreaking to read.

I found it scary.

It gives a little window into the life of a mother who has a child, just 13 years old, who has threatened her with a knife, told her he was planning to kill her, has threatened to kill himself by jumping out of a car, etc., etc.

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He has to be physically restrained by a woman who won’t be able to do so much longer.  His siblings have to have a plan to run and lock themselves in the car when he acts up.  Yet there is little help for him or the family.  On one hand, he evidently is brilliant.  I have read about how many schizophrenics have a very high IQ (On a side note, I remember reading years ago that the more intelligent a dog breed was, the more likely it was to bite people… but I digress).  Watching the interview video at the bottom of the article, it appears she finally got some help through a specialized boarding school. Her plea, however, was for help because families need it and the kids need it and society loses out because the kids are so intelligent they have a lot to offer we miss out on.

How about safety?

This is very un-PC, but there used to be state psychiatric hospitals where dangerous people were locked up. I think we need to revisit that idea. Typically those people there were abandoned and forgotten and they were horrid places.  ”Asylums”, “mental hospitals”, etc. whose very names bring such a stigma that the very idea seems to be off the table.  But why?  Can’t we, as a society, house mentally and emotionally disturbed people in a hospital setting without abusing them?  We don’t have to do it the same way, do we?  We improved conditions in prisons, schools, nursing homes, etc. from the 50s and 60s… can’t we make a psychiatric hospital a true hospital and not just a warehouse for the disturbed people we drug into a stupor?  Must we wait until an innocent person has paid the price and they go to jail?  56% of jailed inmates have a mental or emotional issue that hasn’t been dealt with.  That is five times higher than the average.  Society will pay, one way or the other, to house these people.  Why are we waiting until some damage has been done rather than moving them into a setting earlier?

I understand a lot of parents want to do everything they can to help their kids, including risking their own safety.  The author of the article had younger kids however, and it is unconscionable to risk their lives as well.  The only way she could have had him committed was to wave parental rights… why?  Making him a ward of the state then the taxpayers will give him the hospital setting he evidently needs, yet if she is penalized if she did not want to wash her hands of him.  Ridiculous.

The event in Connecticut on Friday has brought about numerous discussions (gun control, mental illness) but it appears the President and too much of the public wants to focus on guns and believes a simple answer will solve this very complicated problem.  Obama said that now is not a time for a discussion but for action… I think we too often go off half cocked in an emotional rush to do something, anything, and should stay on point and do the right thing instead of just being quick to act. Personally, I don’t think it will help at all to change gun laws; I’ll talk about that in another post.  I think this country needs to immediately rethink how it treats mental illness and needs to stop looking away uncomfortably.

It’s a problem that needs to be tackled head on, soon, because there are other kids out there right now that will explode and other children out there that will pay the price if we do not.

Posted in Family, Politics, Society , , , | 2 Comments »
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